It would be nice and easy to read one of the many lists on the Internet and say - ah ha!
my mother is a Narcissist and that explains everything - I shall now:
a. Explain this to her and she will immediately understand and do something about it.
b. Read up on effective strategies to deal with this and remove this issue from my life and continue on in a for-filled relationship.
c. Go to co-counselling and together and we will work on this problem - together - because as a parent she will care enough to want to...
....oh dear..... I'm even having trouble keeping my own eyebrows on my forehead as I write this.
It's not going to happen. She doesn’t care
I know damn well that she'd not even going to be approachable on the possibility of her having fixable faults that could be "worked on"
so
and this is where the twisted thinking of a lifetime of dealing with this comes - not all that usefully - to the fore because I start to think..
"How can I fix her without her having to participate......"
Which really means...
I'll just take responsibility here for her abuse of me, and I will try to deal with all of the emotional impact it has on me, and make sure I internalise it so I don't pass it on to any of my children / husband/ friends. Whilst in a totally compassionate and giving manner I try to get her to tone down the abuse just a touch.
Oh sure - non of the methods I've tried in the previous 40 years have worked - but - you know - I just need to try harder...there’s bound to be a way...Just because her behaviour has worked for her for all those years - its just that she hasn’t noticed how hurtful it is to me - she'll change - she'll notice - she'll care...wont she? Once it's - you know - pointed out to her. Without in anyway actually confronting her with it. I wouldn't want to do that, because she totally freaked last time I did that ..and ... erm, I've tried this before haven't I and *
at this point the conversation can go two ways in my head
One:
What I need to do is try again, try a new way of doing this - there must be some better way of dealing with it which doesn't demand change of her, because then I'd have to tell her how hurtful she's being and last time I did that she blew up. So I now know she wont be confronted on this so I'm going to have to change so she wont keep criticising or stop myself feeling...and there we go on the wheel of self destruction
or
I've tried this before, and I have confronted her with it, so she does know - she just chooses not to care that she is continually hurting me.
and then - step out of range.
Action that takes discussion off the table - blowing up - sulking - abusive language, countering are all control methods to enable continuance of the same behaviour pattern.
"Will I Ever Be Good Enough, " by Karyl McBride,
is something of a standard text on the subject the trouble is - like most books about people -they just refuse to sort their actual personality traits out into convenient chapter headings - and - sometimes they just don't quite conform to the general gist of the thing at all.
Its a great book but somewhat focused on the "Mommy Dearest" monster Mom
Mommy doesn't have to look like a screaming harpy - well not all the time.
If you have a violent screaming sociopath of a parent on your hands
I've got to hope - its a little easier to identify them as an abuser than the creeping insidiousness that is the narcissistic abuse that far more people suffer from.
This list is a little closer to the creeping and persistent abuse that is more familiar to most of us.
my mother is a Narcissist and that explains everything - I shall now:
a. Explain this to her and she will immediately understand and do something about it.
b. Read up on effective strategies to deal with this and remove this issue from my life and continue on in a for-filled relationship.
c. Go to co-counselling and together and we will work on this problem - together - because as a parent she will care enough to want to...
....oh dear..... I'm even having trouble keeping my own eyebrows on my forehead as I write this.
It's not going to happen. She doesn’t care
I know damn well that she'd not even going to be approachable on the possibility of her having fixable faults that could be "worked on"
so
and this is where the twisted thinking of a lifetime of dealing with this comes - not all that usefully - to the fore because I start to think..
"How can I fix her without her having to participate......"
Which really means...
I'll just take responsibility here for her abuse of me, and I will try to deal with all of the emotional impact it has on me, and make sure I internalise it so I don't pass it on to any of my children / husband/ friends. Whilst in a totally compassionate and giving manner I try to get her to tone down the abuse just a touch.
Oh sure - non of the methods I've tried in the previous 40 years have worked - but - you know - I just need to try harder...there’s bound to be a way...Just because her behaviour has worked for her for all those years - its just that she hasn’t noticed how hurtful it is to me - she'll change - she'll notice - she'll care...wont she? Once it's - you know - pointed out to her. Without in anyway actually confronting her with it. I wouldn't want to do that, because she totally freaked last time I did that ..and ... erm, I've tried this before haven't I and *
at this point the conversation can go two ways in my head
One:
What I need to do is try again, try a new way of doing this - there must be some better way of dealing with it which doesn't demand change of her, because then I'd have to tell her how hurtful she's being and last time I did that she blew up. So I now know she wont be confronted on this so I'm going to have to change so she wont keep criticising or stop myself feeling...and there we go on the wheel of self destruction
or
I've tried this before, and I have confronted her with it, so she does know - she just chooses not to care that she is continually hurting me.
and then - step out of range.
Action that takes discussion off the table - blowing up - sulking - abusive language, countering are all control methods to enable continuance of the same behaviour pattern.
"Will I Ever Be Good Enough, " by Karyl McBride,
is something of a standard text on the subject the trouble is - like most books about people -they just refuse to sort their actual personality traits out into convenient chapter headings - and - sometimes they just don't quite conform to the general gist of the thing at all.
Its a great book but somewhat focused on the "Mommy Dearest" monster Mom
Mommy doesn't have to look like a screaming harpy - well not all the time.
If you have a violent screaming sociopath of a parent on your hands
I've got to hope - its a little easier to identify them as an abuser than the creeping insidiousness that is the narcissistic abuse that far more people suffer from.
This list is a little closer to the creeping and persistent abuse that is more familiar to most of us.
