Down the Rabbit Hole

It would seem one of the major points of recovery from long term emotional abuse is dealing with "The Judge"
Somehow, at sometime in my life, the Judge moved from being the ever critical external voice of the parent to being the internal ever critical voice of myself.
At some point the endless criticism stopped being something "they" bombarded me with, and in anticipation of the next comment, I would fill it in myself. After all I knew what they would be saying, at least the general gist - so why not just pop that sentence in there for them.

And so in fear and anticipation I internalised "The Judge."
Surely also - if I could guess what they would say - then I could anticipate the criticism - and head it off.
I could be a "better girl."
I could "get it right".
At last this would lead me to the halcyon land of No Criticism!
of finally making the grade as......acceptable.

Pause here for a hollow laugh if you can see the obvious flaw in that.

There was nothing I could say which would have stemmed the constant flow of corrective advice. No thing would have miraculously transformed me into an adequate child in their minds.

It seems intuitive with hindsight to know that I was always better than adequate, but when my whole childish self was formed around the safe harbour of my parents, and they lived in unquestioned godlike status, I believed that they were right, about everything. They were my world, and if they identified a wrongness in me, then I believed there was a wrongness - just like I believed in Father Christmas.
Except this belief took a lot longer to shake off, and was prone to leaving gifts of an altogether more sinister nature.


I lived with The Judge

The Judge was just as unfair as the comments made to me as a child.
What I did was wrong. "You're so stupid, you need to try harder."
"You're so ugly, how could you think that a new dress would make you look nice."
"You're so difficult."
"You're so unlovable, how could you think anybody would want you for who you are."
"Change yourself."
"Be better."

So You check everything you do, in-case people see the wrongness.
Look at their faces for the flicker of contempt as they talk to you.
Don’t trust them - they cant possibly really like you.
Give much more than you really want to, and yet you're still certain they don't like you. Well who would like a creeping worm like you.

"Stand up for yourself - but don’t be difficult."
"Be clever - but not too clever. Be this, be that, but most of all,
don’t be you !"

Where do you go when the overriding voice in your head says don’t be you ?

The answer is Oblivion.

Lets go looking for oblivion...seeking the silence that never comes. There are so many ways to obliviate yourself. - To remove as much of you as you can from you...and not a single one of them is good for you. But try them anyway....

That's the rabbit hole - a self made wonderland of constant trauma and self hatred...and the real horror of this - is you are doing it to yourself - you don’t even need them to be there any-more and its particularly tragic because you don’t know everyone is not like this, and you're certainly not going to share what’s going on inside your head - because it might make people see...the wrongness...and you don’t know why your so wrong..after all you try so hard.