Non contact is not a stand-off . I am not waiting for the other side to break.
I have wandered away - or perhaps strode purposefully away,
and I am vigorously throwing away all the stuff that left me there,
in the cold,
banging on a door that was never opened.
Some stuff doesn't want to be thrown, but its going!
There are the circular bits - well - the bits themselves aren't circular but I revolve back to looking at them on this merry go round I'm on. Each pass shows them in a new light or a different aspect of them.
"What if I'm wrong?"This goes
"What if I'm wrong? What if I'm just not quite seeing my past for what it was,
maybe someone else will come along,
and explain it to me.
I will see that what I thought I was looking at is all twisted and distorted.
That small things had become huge and misshapen,
- and big things - nice things I had just forgotten about.
What if Somebody else could just go..
"Ah no actually...I think you'll find..."
and suddenly I will see it all in a new way - It turns out I am the villain, because I just didn't understand, or wasn't normal in the way I thought / think about things. A real and ongoing fear for the children of narcissists. After all I'm so used to thinking I'm hiding a monster inside.
Perhaps I am too entitled, or selfish?
Maybe all of the bad, the hurt was just me being a princess and 'normal' wouldn't have ended up like I did, or even been upset.
Is it possible I have brought all of this upon myself and then hurt others because of my delusion?
I traipse in circles checking everything from every angle.
Over and over.
wearing myself away with introspection.. Never forgiving or allowing myself quarter. Checking to see if I am to blame, or seeing if what I am feeling is not real, or tainted by false memories or perceptions.
Am I justified ?
Yes is the only sane answer.
I know intellectually as write this I am justified in having no contact with my family of origin - I know this fear of not having seen my past truthfully is such an unreal fear and no-one else outside my family of origin sees me as delusional.
But still - here I am - having finally chosen a path for myself,
and because I was trained to fear independence - doubt my own ability to make decisions, I cannot even now trust my own perceptions.
and then there is the equally terrifying...
"What if I'm right?"
What if all of that past, all of that effort, all of that beating myself up, trying to please those who would never be pleased... what if I have wasted all that time, all that effort ?
All that me...
Have I made decisions that have made my life less than it could be to please the un-pleasable?
Maintained relationships that have damaged me?
Chosen career paths?
Subjects at school?
Do I even like this food?
How much of me is really me? It would be sooo much easier if the old normal was OK, but....its not
I was slowly being destroyed, and so I circle round again, wanting the familiar, wanting safety, wanting security and not knowing where to find it.
It feels like a circle - but its not - its a helix - each time I pass over the same spot I find I am further away - a little more distant - a little more certain - a little more me and a lot less anyone else.